[Friday, January 30, 2009]

Where have all those strengths gone? Have I become such a weak person who cannot stand tall by her own any longer? Have I become too much dependent toward something that it torn myself apart just by being far away with it? Am I losing myself and centered my life toward somebody else’s?

It's just like a drug addiction, feels so great when on use, while so hurt and difficult to let go. But I need to learn no matter what it takes, to gain back my independency, get my self back again and not to rely on my life toward somebody else's. I need a life. It's for everybody's sake afterall, because it surely burdensome and tormenting to be relied on to.

My therapy will start this coming weekend. The full social agendas might be useful as a distraction and to reduce my dependency. Hopefully it could keep me “sober” and strong enough to resist any urge of temptation or some kind of other emotional turmoil.


* Posted by 3k4 @ 8:42 AM *

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[Thursday, January 29, 2009]

Never been in my life that I want something so bad. Oh well, maybe I did, but never felt this close before.

It is something that I always wanted, something that pretty much suit to my deepest desire, and something that just so perfectly in time suppose it happened at this moment.

It is something that seems so reachable and doable, yet it would fulfill the alteration that I am longing for; to be in the right track and to return to what so called the right way for me.

Do I sound like hopelessly desperate? Maybe I do; kind of in downward to my frustration and start to lose my confident.

Just like the natural law of nature, I believe that what goes down would eventually go up again. Hopefully without having to touch the bottom, because I don’t think I could handle more spiralling downward. But suppose it is the way that it should be, then be it, hopefully I would have the wisdom to accept and courage to face it as well as starting all over again.


* Posted by 3k4 @ 12:08 AM *

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[Wednesday, January 28, 2009]

When a person cannot even keep his/her own words, then what is left to hold on to?

Some people are seems lucky enough to always find excuses for anything that come up in their life. It might be not right, but it doesn’t feel right to either questioning about it or accepting as it is. Whatever left is disappointment, useless/worthless feeling, and kind of perplexed about whether to decide something what’s right or doing something that is feeling right?

I am so tired of being sweet and patience, if this is what I get in return. Should I start being bitchy instead to make you learn and treat me better? But honestly I don’t want any of your apprehensive deed though, so it is the least likely option for me to do.

Please do not hide again in any of your excuses. Come out and make the change, will you?!? Change will start from nothing but yourself.


* Posted by 3k4 @ 6:16 AM *

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[Sunday, January 25, 2009]

I used to believe that we can find our true self in the loneliness. It is true in a way, but not yet a complete statement I would say. Yes we could find our true self in the loneliness, but what kind of true self that we are going to find is pretty much depends on what kind of loneliness that we are about to experienced.

The sad and gloomy loneliness would lead us to the pessimistic side of our self. Hopes diminishing, self-used decreasing, and all lead towards the depressing state of mood. On the other hand the happy and exciting loneliness would lead us to the optimistic side of our self. New point of view is seen, dreams are arisen, and all lead toward the courage to conquer whatever lies ahead.

Each one of it is not irremovable though. It can be shifted from one way into another as how of the fluctuation of our own emotional and factual circumstances.

Guess I am now experiencing the dynamics, and kind of in the transition of one into another.


* Posted by 3k4 @ 11:44 PM *

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[Friday, January 23, 2009]

My days recently seem has loosened its meaning. I even lost track of days. Time passed by as it is, I do not have much to do, and I have gone nowhere either. On the contrary, my mind seems keep spinning around; my soul is restless and at the same time drained because of the sudden change I have gone through.

Yes, grass always greener on the other side. Now that I lost it, I missed my old chaotic days. I miss the busyness, the lack of time to do anything, the adrenaline rush in order to settle things accordingly, the messiness of everything, and even the pressure to do things right at the very crowded circumstances.

These calm days is so relaxing yet at the same time depressing. I am not used to all these uncertainties. I need something to get me back in track; knows about what I am going to do in the next couple hours, days, or even weeks. I miss my (busy) scheduled activities.

Do it sounds like regret? Not a single chance at all. I do miss all of those, but I don't miss the place that I just left moreover the ambience. So it is not like regretting something that I had done or decided, but more likely is to regret something that not yet happen. Why take this long...why not sooner...why not now?!?

I need it pretty badly. Otherwise these whole loneliness and lack of activities would slowly kill me inside out and diminish my sanity over times. *sigh*


* Posted by 3k4 @ 4:09 PM *

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[Wednesday, January 21, 2009]

I never like a waiting game as much as I dislike the waiting itself. If things cannot come to my way, then I would prefer to go and pick it up rather than just sit tight and do nothing. But look at what I have gotten myself into now; the longest waiting game with even a persistence to wait.

Never thought that I would have such patience, nor I would be willing to do such things. Where the tolerance and determination do comes from? Makes me wondering, have I slowly changed inside and became a different person now? And is it better or worse?


* Posted by 3k4 @ 10:57 PM *

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[Tuesday, January 20, 2009]

It's a brand new day. Finally the time has come for the pigeon to leave; leaving me here with a big hole in the heart and gap of emptiness in my life. As temporarily as it promised, reality is still bitter for the future seems so far away and uncertain.

I don’t know which is worse: to be left alone, or feeling sad and lonely without being able to show and let anyone know it at all? But it doesn’t really matter though, because I am both: feeling left alone, and not really having anybody to share it about.

Maybe it's my destiny to have nobody but myself to hold on to at this point. Nevertheless since it was nobody but my self who made such a destiny, then I really should not complaining afterall.


* Posted by 3k4 @ 1:49 AM *

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