[Friday, October 31, 2008]

I took care of it very carefully, tried to heal all wounds while at the same time trying my best not to hurt it even more. The chain on its neck tied so strong, but whether the point is held tightly by its owner or it simply tight loosely...I do not know for sure. I did not really even care back then. All I want to do is to take care of the pigeon, help it to be healed, and let it able to fly freely again.

The pigeon healed progressively. It gets stronger everyday and it looks better in time. I am grateful for every single moment the pigeon has spent with me, and feels so happy to see how lively it has became.

But now I feel it is getting more difficult to let go. I feel my sense of possession is getting stronger toward the pigeon. After seeing it healed and lively again, I don’t want to see the pigeon back to the owner who caused all the wounds and neglected it before. I want the pigeon to fly freely on its own will, yet I want to see it willingly come back to me, and I want to keep the pigeon for my self so I can put my hand fully to care and protect it from anything.

Do I have a right to feel that way?

I never owned the pigeon. I am fully aware from the beginning that the pigeon is belonged to someone else who holds the chain from its neck. Forcing the pigeon to stay would like to put my hand around to hold it still, while the steel chain on its neck will be pulled by its owner to different direction. By doing so, the pigeon would most likely to break and crushed even more. Surely it is not something that I would desire to happen...

What to do then?

I know that the best way is to let go and let it fly freely. But it feels like so hard to do...something inside me just cannot accept it yet.

I know from the very beginning that the pigeon will eventually return to its owner and that I would never have any right to claim nor object about it. Still…the realization of being left is stabbed right into my heart.

I know that there would never be a happy ending for me and the pigeon. Yet the hope remains, it is sometime encouraging, deceiving, and eventually crushing every time the reality bites.

Would it be too much to ask if I just wish that I could feel the happiness a little longer? Long enough so it would be me who leave first...