[Friday, April 11, 2008]

I remember one book wrote by a war journalist who was being kidnapped in Iraq. I don’t really pay attention to the kidnapping experience itself, but I remembered one quote that hit my conscious the most: “to know when to stop”.

Guess I should have enough now. If not, then I seems like blinded my self voluntarily from any sight of hints that was given. Thus I am not entitled to not complain for any agony happen.

I am trying to cure myself from the addiction now. It is hurt like hell, but it still a lot better than eating inside out and killing my self slowly in time. Everything has become more destructive, therefore I really have to be healed to avoid further damage that might leave permanent scars.



* Posted by 3k4 @ 4:00 PM *

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[Sunday, April 06, 2008]

I used to be fine: alone and all by myself. But now, I get lonely easily when I am alone, and I become poignant whenever need to do things by myself.

I am getting used to the company; I become dependent to the attention, and most of all I am getting used to particular feelings: loved and cared. Those feelings have crushed the wall of independency that have been built all these times. It slips little by little and slowly but sure starts to create a fracture on the wall, make it cracked and vulnerable.

It almost seems like addiction to drugs. And just like addiction, it gets more intense in time. Things that used to be enough are now no longer sufficient; things that used to be something special are now felt like necessity, which needed on a regular basis. When it is not happened then the gloomy feeling comes easily, made me disturb and kind of moody all the time.

Just like any other addiction, I know that it is damaging and might be destructive. I am afraid, but it just feels too good to let go although my conscious sometimes remind me about the consequences and told me that everything is most likely too impossible to retain. Alas, my mind that used to be strong is now getting weaker. What should I do if my heart is so reluctant to be healed, and seems have chosen to be in the addiction state?



* Posted by 3k4 @ 9:37 PM *

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[Saturday, April 05, 2008]

It is true that the ability to give is indeed feels better than being given itself. To make someone else happy brings more pleasure than our own happiness. To see how we could bring smile to someone else’s face makes our smile even broader. And to see what have been able to do under such bizarre circumstances, I am actually quite impressed with myself.

As a human I am still yearning for something more, but emotionally I am quite happy for what I am capable of doing in a time being.



* Posted by 3k4 @ 2:56 AM *

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[Thursday, April 03, 2008]

Good intentions are not always well-accepted when not told in a good (right) way. When rejection felt, then we become hurt and most likely to start feeling angry.

Anger then is like a set of fire; or worse, it’s like setting a fire in the forest during dry season. Once started, it is very difficult to stop. Instead it is easily spread out to become even bigger and affect larger area. As fire does, it always burn things that are the closest first beside burning the source itself. The destructive impact tends to leave damage permanently. Burning scars are not easily healed, and even though it healed, the scar usually remains.

To withhold feels so torturing, while to release it sometimes very liberated if not foresee the consequences. What left eventually are only regret and confusion about what to do to reverse the situation?

One “sorry” is all I could try to say. Hopefully it is acceptable as well as forgiven, since my initial intention was not to harm anyone at all.



* Posted by 3k4 @ 11:32 PM *

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[Tuesday, April 01, 2008]

Just when you thought it gone, when you have given up all the hope, and keep the zero expectation in mind …then every little thing happen feels like nature’s gift and seems like a complete blessing .

Routine activities becomes exciting, normal things always seems new, and ordinary things feels extraordinary. It almost like experiences everything for the first time with new eyesight.

It shows how our mood is so easily changed and outcomes are mostly unpredictable. One thing not necessarily lead to another one thing as expected, it might take the other way around to something completely different. What it seems like a storm and dead end apparently has turned into rainbow and lead to another path.

Hopefully it could last long enough - if not for eternally, to bring happiness and confer strength for whatever comes next.



* Posted by 3k4 @ 11:33 PM *

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