[Thursday, March 27, 2008]

It hurt when I lost each of the various men I fell in love with.
Now, though, I am convinced than no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone.
That is the true experience of freedom: "having the most important thing in the world without owning it".

(Paulo Coelho - Eleven Minutes)



* Posted by 3k4 @ 9:33 PM *

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[Wednesday, March 26, 2008]

Back at home…finally. One not-so-long journey that quite exhaust my body and eventually my soul as well.

Truths are like roses, they’re thorn. Perhaps roses are only beautiful and fragranced from a distance; the thorns might be harmful when it gets too close.

Reality bites, and it kind of hurt.



* Posted by 3k4 @ 11:26 PM *

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[Friday, March 21, 2008]

Here I am spending a night in a beautiful hotel far away from home. The room is very comfortable, the view from my 12th floor is stunning, and facilities available are beyond my needs. However here I am sitting in front of the provided PC, surfing, blogging, reading emails, and checking through my messenger to see who are online.

Perhaps it's true as one quote I remember so vividly: "there is no point to see such beauties without somebody to share the joy with".

So this is how it feels to be alone...


* Posted by 3k4 @ 12:19 AM *

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[Thursday, March 20, 2008]

I am flying out in about 8 hours from now, on duty. For once I am really looking forward to it, and actually feeling glad to leave. Though something remains to hold me back and burdened heavily in my chest, I highly expect that the travel will help to set me free, release myself, feed my soul, and let me be complete again.

I am changing and not the same person anymore. I am no longer complete as I feel like torn into half right now. I need to get out of the routine, get away from the agony, and find new atmosphere that hopefully will bring some improvement.

But I have my doubt. How far we could evade from something that lingered inside ourselves? How far we should go to create distance with something that so close to our heart? And for how long it would be endured?


* Posted by 3k4 @ 12:13 AM *

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[Tuesday, March 18, 2008]

The scene:

"Here we are, sitting and facing to each other. So close in person but feels so distance inside. Something is growing and lead each of us to the opposite direction."

What had happened? Where has all the laughter gone? Where have all the joy and excitement vanished? Things are unsaid as no one dare to speak. In silent it become worse as wordless presence with unsaid feelings has grew the distance even more apart.

If I have decided to let go, then why should I still feel this way? If I have said to accept as what it is, then why should I behave this way? What an inconsistency. It is easier to say than done.


* Posted by 3k4 @ 4:33 PM *

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Feels like de ja vu. I’ve been here before. I have had experienced this feeling before. There is no doubt of the repetition whenever I checked my old writings. All is coming back now, the same disappointment, the same feeling and fear, the same pain and hurt, the same loneliness, the same feeling of lost.

Perhaps God considered me fail on the first one earlier, thus He decided to give me the second time around, to see if I can pass it better right now.


* Posted by 3k4 @ 10:29 AM *

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[Monday, March 17, 2008]

We don’t always get what we want to, and many times we also don’t want what we are getting. Life is all about making choices, but there are also certain points in life when choice has become a luxury and no longer available generously.

But should we call life is unfair after all?

I believe that God gives lesson in many ways. He also showed His love in many ways. Sometime things that we called unfair are the way He wants us to learn and brings out the best from within, but most of the time we – or I in this case – just don’t understand and cannot see it

Everything always happens for a reason. What we want is not necessarily granted. What is fair according to us is not necessarily true. What we think the best is not necessarily good.

It takes patience to let the time shows us what it is. For how long it’s going to last, nobody knows for sure. But the process would determine what kind of person we are become and what kind of life we are going to have. I am too now in the process of learning such stages. Hopefully the outcomes would as good as expected and I will become such person who could appreciate life and living to the fullest.



* Posted by 3k4 @ 11:33 PM *

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[Wednesday, March 12, 2008]

Is it possible that a person can be permanently damaged? Life might not be friendly as it leads to lots of bitterness and a lot of lost. But I always believe that it is impossible for a human being to get damaged permanently. Humans were created with the highest intelligence among all other beings such as plants and animal. Humans have a high adaptability toward any circumstances and even evolved whenever the environment demanded it so. Humans are like a phoenix that can rise to life again from their ashes. Though it is should firstly damaged totally, but comes out from the chaos are one new person who should be stronger, wiser, better, and a lot richer with experience.

It will take long time for the process that might tempt us to stop along the way. It will become more difficult in time because the longer it belongs, the harder it would be to let go.

Risks do exist, but opportunity is even more real. There is no easy way to take the right path as there is no easy way to make a change into goodness and leave all the mess behind. But there is no impossibility in life. Every journey starts with a small single step. Once the path is seen and first step is taken, then life will roll itself to lead the way. Hopefully.



* Posted by 3k4 @ 10:33 PM *

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What is family? Here are many definitions that I can be found from the internet:

  • A social unit living together;
  • Primary social group; parents and children;
  • People descended from a common ancestor; "
  • Class: a collection of things sharing a common attribute;
  • An association of people who share common beliefs or activities;
  • Syndicate: a loose affiliation of gangsters in charge of organized criminal activities;
  • A family consists of a domestic group of people (or a number of domestic groups), typically affiliated by birth or marriage, or by analogous or comparable relationships — including domestic partnership, cohabitation, adoption, surname and (in some cases) ownership (as occurred in the Roman;
  • Is a group of two persons or more (one of whom is the householder, see below) related by birth, marriage, or adoption and residing together; all such persons (including related subfamily members) are considered as members of one family;
  • A group of two or more persons related by birth, marriage, adoption, or emotional ties;
  • A broad grouping of life forms believed to have a distant common ancestry, and sharing many general traits;
  • One or more persons occupying a dwelling as a single housekeeping unit;
  • Connotes those who have a close connection to an individual, regardless of their genetic or legal ties;

But are they really the definitions?

For me the family are categorized by 2 definitions only: they who are related by blood line, and they who are related by our heart preferences. And if you are lucky, sometimes we could have both: they who are related by bloodline are also preferred by our heart.

Unfortunately not all of us as lucky as it is. Sometimes they who are related by blood act as if the bond is eternal. They do not maintain the relationship, they never show their care (if there is any), and the connection or interaction are simply obligatory due to the existing family (bloodline) connection. Blood is thicker than water, but is it really so?

On the other hand, they who are related by our heart preferences are basically total stranger. Without any blood ties these total strangers are connected to each other purely by heart preferences. The interaction might be based on the common interest, common ideas/thoughts, and even common personal characteristic. Such bonds are invisible but I have found that it is usually stronger than the blood ties.

I have such families. Those who are related by blood are mostly considered family connection based on the blood line connection only. They only know to ask for anything, and said we must help due to the family connection. In this case family connection then becomes the reason of interaction. But I also blessed with some people who I have considered family by heart. They never ask for anything, instead they seem always willing to do everything we asked, be in the right place at the right time, never let us down, and open their heart for me as well . In this case family connection then becomes the result of interaction.

With time passed by, I have found out that blood is indeed thicker than water. Nevertheless it can be liquidated by lots of external factors, and without the proper maintenace even blood can be damaged and will need transfution to replace it. To me, family by heart are now more precious than family by blood only. But of course family by blood that is close to my heart are the most precious among all. And to have such families around are total blessings for me.



* Posted by 3k4 @ 2:39 AM *

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[Monday, March 10, 2008]

Last night I was having a discussion with a friend about the comfort zone. Looking at my previous writing, I did ever mention about it. One thing about the temptation to get back to the same comfort zone once we had left it. But last night discussion was more about the fact that what so-called comfort zone is not necessarily comfortable.

My point here, you can actually call one bad-messy-undesirable condition as a comfort zone once you choose to keep it rather than to change it just because you are too afraid of the consequences of making the change. The choice would become a comfort zone once the person is no longer willing to change the situation although he/she knows how bad and no longer bearable the whole conditions are. The person chooses to keep the situation because the risk of making changes is far more uncertain with possibility of not happy - if not worse - ending in the future. Thus among the lists of (possible) worse options, bad would seems be the best. The messy becomes common, the undesirability become tolerable, and the bad things become regular. It is so easy to getting used to it, although it would slowly eat us inside out.

Such a condition might happen to any of us in any forms with many cases. Some might be able to handle it well by making the choice wisely and responsibly with expectation of no regrets eventually. But would it be possible? Wise perhaps, responsible indeed, but free of regrets? Regrets can only feels when time has passed and it is too late for everything. I am myself believed that even the smallest effort will bring changes as long as we take the first step and continuously walking. Whether the changes would end up good or bad, only time will tell. But at least we do something about it rather than just sitting and waiting for the change to come by itself. It is better to reach the finish line by knowing that you already give all of your effort in the race, regardless of the final result, rather than assuming of how the race would end up differently should we do something else before.


* Posted by 3k4 @ 10:49 PM *

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[Sunday, March 09, 2008]

Looking at the last post date, I realized that it almost a year since I write the last posting. And looking further, I see that somehow I only produce one posting since my homecoming from study abroad on 2005. I have many excuses in my head toward this lack of writings: not accessible internet connection, no time to write due to working schedule, and lack of interest things in my current life to write about.

But honestly none of those excuses are really relevant with the condition of not writing after all. It is true that I don’t have accessible internet connection here in contrast to back there in Holland, but I still able to connect it in a matter of urgency, not that there is no access at all. I am busy like hell now with all the work stuffs that requires over stay in the office and travels, but should I intend to write then it will not take much of my time and in fact I can have it between my busy activities as the mind refreshment. I do feel the that my current life back here is far less interesting to write about, but hey…who really cares about the kind of life I am having anyway. Life is not about how other people view it, but it is more to the way I view it myself. If I feel my life not attractive, then it will be not attractive at all. If I consider it boring, then it will be full with boredom. If I think my life as one of regular activities, then I will become robot and only live it with auto-pilot mode on. Loose all the excitement and meaning of being human being after all.

Today I am doing some blog walking to other blogs that I knew before and used to visit on a regular basis. Funny to found out that most of those blogs also left by the owner. Some have the last update as my own blog, count about two to three years back, some have more recent postings with quite a long gap between postings, and some few other still have it regularly updates (two thumbs for this group). Reading all those blogs again kind of recall my memory again of how I used to write quite regularly about my daily activities, unimportant things to share, and even the smallest thing could turn out to be excellent ideas to write. Excitement is the key, observation is the tools, and open minded is the sense.

Life is all about how we live and view it. I have decided now to bring back my excitement to live, observed things, open eyes and open mind to everything, thus hopefully can taught me how to write again. I read my own postings and wish to become such a free-spirited person again, who can pick lots of things to write about. Finger cross and wish me luck ;)


* Posted by 3k4 @ 8:14 PM *

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